On My Marriage

There’s nothing to talk about. Here comes the silence again. That vast ocean of nothingness that causes emotions to float about like rotten logs of wood. Aimlessly bobbing up and down. No one clinging to them for fear of that dreaded mold rubbing off and spreading its slimy yuck.

We have nothing to talk about and so much to say at the same time. Nothing has changed. He’s still him and I’m still me. And I believe it was about 4½ years ago I swore that I would leave. I’m still here. Why? Why have I chosen this fabulously fucked up life?

To be clear, it’s not all his fault. I’m to blame for a lot of things. I drink, I over spend, I party….sometimes without abandon. And there is so much more! Fuck! There’s that word again….MORE. What is the more I seek? Is it only something he can provide that will quench this thirst? Is the more something that I can get to on my own…like without him? Is the more something that even exist?

There’s nothing to talk about because we’ve had this conversation so many times in the past. There’s nothing to talk about because he will never change and I still want him too. There’s nothing to talk about because:

-          He brings all of his money home
-          He doesn’t have any other women
-          He fucks me very well
-          He loves and provides for his kids
-          He works hard
-          He’s a good man
-          He’s good looking and patient and kind

And yet, there is another list but, I’m not even going to start on it because it would take me back to the WAAAAAAY back. Unless I’m really willing and able to do something about it, I have no business going there. At all. Or do I? I am the one who’s sitting at the kitchen table typing all this bullshit about my marriage, my disappointment, my unhappiness. I’m trying to find someone to blame…or maybe I’ve been blaming him all along.

I’ve blamed him for our financial short comings. I’ve blamed him for our sons’ shortcomings. I’ve blamed him for our inability to go on vacation, eat at nice restaurants, and buy new things. I’ve blamed him because he’s not gone back to school and gotten his degree; thereby creating opportunities for him to advance in his career and be more capable of providing some of that material shit I listed above. I’ve blamed him for being comfortable while I lose sleep and stress over bills, meals, and deals. I blame him for treating me the way I’ve allowed him to: with lots of love, respect, and patience. He so patient with me. So what?!

So, I’m sure that he has so much to say. Why won’t he simply say what he’s thinking instead of going mute? Why not say: I’m afraid, I’m not confident, I’m happy just as I am so shut the fuck up!? I wish he would just say it so I can stop thinking about it and be “put in my place”! – YEAH RIGHT!!!

This has been a twenty year saga. 20 years!! Clearly something is going well. And clearly I’m just full of shit and have nothing better to do than bash my husband. Or maybe this marriage shit is super murky and I’m still trying to figure out if I’ve made the right decision and if I’ll ever be truly content.

My stomach hurts.